Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Worst Parking Lot Ever

I never used to think that I needed to bring my A-game when driving through a parking lot, but the clientele of Whole Foods has added this as a mandatory requirement. I rarely go shopping there because of obvious reasons, but when I do, holy shit do you have to be on-point with your driving skills and situational awareness.

I noticed that there are two categories of people who frequent the store who totally suck at driving. The first is your average rich person, both male and female. The males are all alphas who drive black luxury cars and never yield or use their brakes. They usually just proceed right on through parking lot intersections with no care in the world because they think they are just that awesome. The females are the ones who don't have a day job and just sit at home being wealthy, waiting to have lunch with a friend or waiting for a reason to look in the mirror hoping that they will see something of substance looking back at them. These women usually drive white or red luxury cars and are just blind to anyone less wealthy than them. Unlike their male counterparts, they do use their brakes, but they do so because they are trying to find something in their purse or trying to think of how to form letters into words for a text message.

The second category of customers are those nature vegan types who like to wear brown linen Huck Finn pants, sandals, and carry around satchels. These people probably plant their own vegetables in their backyards and wash themselves with special soaps even though it does nothing to hide their natural BO. These folks usually drive older Volvos or Subarus and are the ones who back up oh so slowly while not physically turning their heads. It's like they think nothing can ever be behind them, so what's the point in looking? It's really damn frustrating when your lane is blocked and you have to sit there watching these fools putt putt along. Worse is when you're waiting for one of these people to get out of their spot at the exact same time another is in the process of backing into the side of your car. I'm not sure why these people are even shopping at Whole Foods since it's so damn expensive there and none of them seem to be employed.